Life (death) the universe and everything

I hit a low point a few days back. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about dying. In fact I’d decided if I didn’t feel better by Boxing day 2013, I would kill myself. Sounds extreme but that’s how I was feeling. Then something happened. It felt like a cog falling into place. This is going to sound really really stupid because to anyone else, looking in, it is STUPID. I suddenly realised that now I have a bit of money to my name I could actually spend some of it and have some fun for a change.  

So my new plan is to get moved, then stop doing things I don’t want to do, and start to enjoy myself. If after a few years I end up poor, and still alone, then maybe I can think about ending it all, but until then…..

Why has this been so difficult for me to grasp? I can’t explain, all I know is that it was very very difficult. I can tell you that I’ve never spent real money on myself, that I was never given nice presents  by my parents or spoilt rotten by any of my husbands/boyfriends, and that when one man DID want to buy me something expensive I wouldn’t let him do it.

I’m weird (you guessed that already I hope) in that I can see how to solve other people’s problems very easily but when it comes to sorting myself out, I’m lost. Anyway, that’s where I am at the moment. As soon as I’m moved, I’m taking a holiday. A proper holiday.

I’ve just booked a couple of days in Scarborough in April.  My friend, Shirley, fancied a trip to the theatre so I asked if I could tag along.I was hoping to get there before April but I have to wait for removal dates etc.

Yesterday I took two bookings for Louis the Labrador. One is over my birthday weekend in June which means I won’t be able to go away but having him round the house (the new house!) will be a great pressie. He’s also coming to stay in February. I thought about putting people off until after I’ve moved but as I have no idea when that’s happening, there didn’t seem any point. If need be, John’s always willing to step in.

I’ve been catching up on Writers Bureau work today. Yesterday I finished a story to send to Womans Weekly, but I’m way behind my January target of 4 new stories. I’m not going to beat myself up. It’s been a difficult month plus targets are to aim for, I don’t’ have to reach them every time.

My next task is to type up a poem or two before I lose them. I’m thinking of putting together a small collection, just for the hell of it.